Rant: Society

is fucked.
I mean honestly.
I've been talking with my friend Isaac about it and I just needed to rant. Rant. RANT.
I don't wanna sound cocky like 'oh I'm the only cool person in the world who is different with my views and blah blah blah. I know that's not true, and if anyone who thinks like that is just full of BS.
Just thinking about where life is going is just depressing. Like have you ever noticed that all the parents now are just dumb asses? Honestly. Learn something people before you start trying to reproduce.
Everyone just needs to grow up.
Yes yes. I know I'm only 17 and think I know everything there is to know about the world. NO. I'm not. I just am very aware of my ignorance and intelligence..

Sure. I don't have that many friends and I'm very quiet but most of the time I would just rather keep my thoughts to myself. My mind is my mind. And I honestly don't have to say something to anyone just to prove something. It's pointless. Like a lot of things. I think the point of life is that it is pointless.
Note: Things in my brain are scattered but all make sense in the end... I think.
But now getting to the point.
WEED and SEX.
Weed is the drug of choice nowadays.
And I hate it.
People are so into having sex and smoking weed that it's quite pathetic. Oh big deal. You got laid. SO? How in the world is that going to help you? Oh well the world needs to be populated? Not with your DNA. We're breeding fucking delinquents anyways. Did you know that kids at the age of 7 are shooting their parents? or that for a 12 year old it's okay to have an older boyfriend and to basically have sex? Uhm no. I don't muthafuckin think so. WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS CHILDREN???
Seriously. DO YOUR JOB.
'Oh well life's too hard' And you think that gives you an excuse to go and mess up your life and ultimately ruin your children's? No. And what in the world are you comparing how hard life is to?
GROW UP.
And really. If your kid is doing something illegal then do something about it!! What is wrong with you?!
I don't care what anyone says. Weed is bad. It makes you slow and you do really stupid things. It's not cool when your friends show up high as a kite. Because in reality, they just look completely stupid. What you talk about isn't even funny when you think about it, and it just takes over your life.
I honestly don't think you're cool if you smoke.
"It's the trendy thing to do."
Well go be unique then.
No one thinks any more. They expect to do things and have no consequences, or that things aren't fair and they have the right to complain and just eff things up for everyone else if life doesn't go their way.
Bull.
I've had a shitty life. My friends know that and I know that. That doesn't mean I go out and get wasted just because "my life is so rough." Things are tough all over people. The faster people learn this the better.
But my hope for humanity is very very small. When I think about it I just want to give up, let things run their course, or maybe even help things along. But honestly I don't want to give up. I want to be one of the few people who have their brain and memories of high school in tact because I didn't burn them away with drugs. And NOT end up being the "easy" girl who has every std known to man.
That's not who I am.
I'm Kate Mallon.
I have a brain. I think. I create. And I love and dislike many things. And I'm not about to throw everything away because it's the trendy thing to do. Fuck that.


[Oh and FYI I don't need to smoke to actually have a personality. Kay thanks.]

Lonliness

And I don't mean the kind where people are "depressed" and need someone to hold. This is the type that is deep, where it touches the soul; that is to say we have one. I don't believe that I've ever felt this horrid, outcast, and depressed before.
Well I have recently moved away from all that I've known in life: My friends, my home, my love, my school, and my sanity. Utah is in fact Mormon-filled HELL. I really don't have anything against mormons or what they stand for I just don't like how some act.
Anyways...I've never had to move from anywhere in my life. And being 15(almost 16) You'd think I'd be able to think of this as an adventure, a quest; something fun and new. But no I have to be immature thanks.
At first it was fine and dandy. When school came around I was just another new kid. Typical. But after things died down I really wasn't relating to anyone around me. I was quiet: everyone was loud. I was considerate: Most didn't really care. I actually cared about my education: I think you know the answer.

I've been feeling as if I've lost everything. There's no one to talk to. No one to just hang out with and talk about nothing. I've been sitting around the house vegetating and thinking about how horrible everything is. To feel the utter hopelessness, like nothing ever goes your way, that you should just give up. It's scary and horrid and I think no one should have to deal with that
I finally realized that just because I have no friends here doesn't mean that I don't have any. I feel like having a freak out. You know what I mean...one of those times where you have this sudden urge to just get up and throw stuff around and scream and cry. And the feelings so strong that you literally have to snap yourself out of it before it actually happens? Yeah I do believe that is one of the scariest things I've had to go through...and to think that it does happen to poeple all the time. *new perspectives baby*
Well I do feel the tight grip of my emotions on a day to day basis; scared of losing control and break down to the point of no return. But I have definitely learned true lonliness and depression....and what panic attacks feel like. I hope to never go back to that but nothing in life is guaranteed: except the calming blanket of death.

Music.

I love how some people act like they are the only one in the world who make music their life. Some just enjoy the quality, or obsess and memorize everything they can about the artist, or even just like to make the music themselves. Whatever your fix is, WHO CARES?! Isn't it enough that you and some other person loves the music so why do you have to have a contest??

I have recently found that people pick certain bands as their "favorites" because they relate to them. In other words they choose that particular band because they feel that that artist portrays them completely. For example: [and not trying to be mean here] but Sara enjoys the sounds of Green Day, I'm not entirely sure why, but I believe it's because they have their own kind of style that was taken from many. Punk, Rock, alternative and kind of jumbled them together...and that's kind of how her style of clothing is too.

Now for me: I have no idea what artist/band shows my inner personality but I'm hoping when someone [or myself] realizes it that it will be cool :P haha but no in all seriousness I just figured this out so now I really like to learn what peoples favorite bands are because it definitely says a lot about who that person is. Not always though so I guess I'd have to like steal their ipod or something to really figure them out :D

Here's me attempting to write more since it's summer and I'm trying to be more....philosophical [is that a word??]

Just one of those days

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going okay, you're hanging out with some friends-goofing off and making jokes, but when they leave you just fall apart? Like a certain shattering just happens to your inner being and you start crying out of nowhere. That kind of shattering, and the fact is that it almost hurts enough to feel like you're literally shattering.
It's like one of those days where everything is going...okay but something deep down keeps bugging you, so what do you do: ignore it and hope it leaves you alone. So you go about your happy day making memories, talking with others, dancing until you realize that that certain thing that was bugging you earlier hasn't gone away. Now why not, you ask, when most things in this society is solved by just ignoring the problem?
Now one of two things could happen:
Either you will realize what's been bothering you and fix it or be upset and try to calm down or something. OR you can just feel this vibe in the air and end up plain crying for no particular reason, or you DO realize it and just feel like crying to make it all better.[Not likely by the way.]
Well that's how I ended up feeling like today. I had a blast with a bunch of people and became very exhausted but overall I thought it was all good. I still can't quite figure out what's been bothering me, but these unexpected burst just keep occuring. And the fact that I feel so helpless from the random outbursts that I just feel even worse overall. What's wrong!?

Foamy's got a good point and I completely agree:

There are certain types of people in this world who piss me off to no end. The type of people who come up to you and ask for advice and then when you give them advice and then they don't take the advice and then come back a week later and say "I can't believe why everything turned out so wrong" You wanna know why it didn't turn out? Because you didn't take my advice and are fucking stupid. That's what went wrong. You didn't listen to me. I know all. The other type of person are those fucking insignificant pions that have to validate themselves by being in a relationship. Ya know what it's pathetic, it's weak-minded and you show no inner strength whatsoever. Get over the girlfriend get over the boyfriend you're yearning for and live fucking life. People who stalk their ex-girlfriends, particularlly piss me off, what the fuck is wrong with these people? Don't you have something better to do then be emotionally attatched with someone who hates your guts? Do something with your life-find a hobby! I mean geez do you know how many video games are out there that you could be playing? At least go and shoot yourself, get yourself out of society-nobody wants to deal with a stalker. Other types of people that I hate are the people who ruin your favorite diner. Ya know the type of person you're usually friends with until he goes into the diner and starts dating the waitress there and then has some sort of weird rocky relationship and then everytime after you go in there there's this weird vibe in the air. People like that really need food poisoning. I'm so sick of these fucking bastards ruining my favorite spots. Another type of person I particualarlly hate are those fucking slime balls with the slicked-back hari that usually end up going in bars Friday, Saturday, Sunday night and see if they can pick up some chicks and all they do is walk around with these stupid velvety shirts with their dumbass fat hairy chests exposed to the world as if there were the sexiest things on the face of the earth. You know what? You're a middle aged loser and nobody wants to see your hairy chest. Either throw yourself in front of traffic or overdose, please. Nobody wants to hear this B.S. anymore. Time for some re-evaluation with ones life. I also dislike people who all they do is talk about their problems with their insignificant other. You know what I don't care about your fucking relationship problems, you can just shove them up your ass for all I care. Nobody wants to hear about how your girlfriend doesn't like you or how your boyfriend is ignoring you. Nobody cares. It only pertends to your own little world which in the grand scheme of things is minut and pathetic and nobody really ever wants to hear it. Shut your mouth, choke on your food, and die. Have you ever had a good friend and then you go out someplace and they always have to bring his fucking girlfriend? And the girlfriend turns out to be somebody you just want to kill? I mean really kill, like jump up and down and kill? And then fucking chop up their body into 15 different parts and flush various parts down the toilet and bury the others and the others just get thrown in the sewer-you know the type of person that their parents should have had an abortion before they even walked the earth-you know that kinda crap? These types of fucking pieces of crap really just need to be killed with some piano wire around the throat. I can't take it anymore. I also can't stand people who just sit at home and listen to Every Rose Has it's Thorns like it's the worlds most depressing song. 1. the song sucks 2. you're fucking pathetic for listening to it. Take the CD out crack it in half and then slit your wrists with the broken pieces, it's over. They're done. Your done. Go kill yourself. in a closing note it's just shit like this that pisses me off. It's these types of people that have no inner soul, no nothing that just revolve around their own pathetic little world with no consideration for whats going on around them. They have no sense or grasp of reality and really need to be taken off the face of this earth. They have no substance, they have no control over themselves, and they really need to be put to sleep-permanently.

Excerpts from Demian[Herman Hesse]

I feel as though I really can relate to this on some level and my thoughts were written as though I cannot write.

Even as a young child I had been in the habit of gazing at bizarre natural phenomena, not so much observing them as surrendering to their magic, their confused, deep language. Long gnarled tree roots, colored veins in rocks, patches of oil floating on water, light-refracting flaws in glass-all these things had held great magic for me at one time: water and fire particularly, smoke, clouds, and dust, but most of all the swirling specks of colors that swam before my eyes the minute I closed them.

You can't compare yourself with others: if Nature has made you a bat you shouldn't try to be an ostrich. You consider yourself odd at times, you accuse yourself of taking a road different from most people. You have to unlearn that. Gaze into the fire, into the clouds, and as soon as the inner voices begin to speak, surrender to them, don't ask first whether it's permitted or would please your teachers or father, or some god. You will ruin yourself if you do that. That way you will become earthbound, a vegetable.

My conscious self lived within the familiar and sanctioned world, it denied the new wolrd that dawned within me. Side by side with this I lived in a world of dreams, drives, and desires of a chthonic nature, across which my conscious self desperately built its fragile bridges, for the childhood world within me was falling apart. Like most parents, mine were no helf with the new problems with puberty, to which no reference was ever made. All they did was take endless trouble in supporting my hopeless attempts to deny reality and to continure dwelling in a childhood world that was becoming more and more unreal. I have no idea whether parents can be of help , and I do not blame mine. It was my own affair to come to terms with myself and to find my own way, and like most well-brought-up childrean, I managed it badly.
Everyone goes through this crisis. For the average person this is the point when the demands of his own life come into the sharpest conflict with his environment, when the way forward has to be sought with the bitterest means at his command. Many people experience the dying and rebirth-which is our fate-only this once during their entire life. Their childhood becomes hollow and gradually collapses, everything they love abandons them and they suddenly feel surrounded by the loneliness and moral cold of the universe. Very many are caught forever in this impasse, and for the rest of their lives cling painfully to an irrevocable past, the dream of the lost paradise-which is the worst and most ruthless of dreams.

Check out Abraxas.

I stopped irresolte at the far end of the avenue: staring into the dark foliage I greedily breathed the humid fragrance of decay and dying to which something within me responded with greeting.

I dreamed vividly again, more in fact by day than at night. Images, pictures, desires arose freely within me, drew me away from the outside world so that I had a more substantial and livelier relationship with the world of my own creation, with these images and dreams and shadows, than with the actual world around me.

A lover's Downfall

Well I'm not much of a blogger...or a writer in general but I have found that writing helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings. With that I would also like to note to the very few people who will actually read this that it probably won't make much sense and be all over the place. Here goes:

Okay so a number of things have been pissing me off this week and this happens to be twords the bottom of my list but I still feel that it is important.
Now I really don't like three words: I love you.
That little line has caused so much pain, so why do we keep saying it? Some would say it's because that they don't know how to voice their opinion or "love" for said person. Well you know what? you can show someone else how you feel by doing all those little things like asking how they are, giving them a flower, or just plain being there for them. The words 'I love you' people use so often that it practically doesn't matter anymore. The words are meaningless. Now I am very hesitant to say it because if I want to tell someone that I love them I want to know that It's actually true...not just to be nice and say it back. [Note: I've only done that to one person]

Another thing about that is the PEOPLE who say it often are normally slutty, "fall in love easily", or just for some reason like to say it a lot. Now a lot of people would like to argue that their "love is true" so what do you exactly mean by that? You truly love them or you truly THINK you love them. Another one would be "Our love is Deep." So now I'll ask you a different question: Do you even know what you're saying or are you just repeating phrases that you've heard others say because it's protocall? Seriously people no one THINKS anymore, they feel attracted to said person and suddenly you're "in love" No people! that's called infatuation. Maybe if people spent more time paying attention then day dreaming about that person you want to go bang then you'd know.
WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK LOVE IS???

Another thing that I truly don't like is Valentine's Day. Which is around this time frame. Well my reasoning isn't like other people[the classic break ups or just being alone...which I have but it doesn't bug me] Getting back to the point- I absolutely HATE VD for the following reasons- 1. Mos guys main goal is to get laid[remember that] 2. Why only act really nice to someone for one day out of the year?? you should act like you love someone more than just once. 3. People need to effing relax. They act like idiots because either they don't have a bf/gf. 4.This also gives really annoying "preppy" chicks license to mock others and show off. They strut around like they are such amazing people because "oh so an so got a rose" BIG EFFING DEAL. 5. People act like moronic fools all year round but they just piss me off even more around holidays. 6.February 14th is the same as any other date like March 13th or April 3rd[note: I have no specific reason for choosing those.] 7. I just wanted to have seven since it's my lucky number [Please People quit acting like sluts and think it's a good thing...you're just making yourself look easy and makes guys think they're going to get laid...don't say "I love you" if you don't mean it...and HOLY SHIT GUYS get a life and quit obsessing over if you have a date to formal or are even dating someone-there is no specific list somewhere that says you have to makeout with someone by a certain date. Honestly? Your not cool.

Okay and last but not entire least-my reasoning for the quotes around love [like so: "love"]
Yeah anywhos, one last question I would like to ask you to think about: Have you thought about your future with this person or are you just looking for a couple days/weeks/months? Because that is a definite sign that you're NOT in love. I mean I know those people who realize that basically no one is together forever [I've come to that realization already] but at least you try to make the best of the short time together [correct??!?]
So people can care about someone a lot without being "in love" as well it's just no one thinks of it like that-it's automatic that we are so to generalize everything up people are "in love" with the THOUGHT of being in love, they're not actually in love. So think about it.

I know either people won't read this or they'll totally disregard this so I pretty much just wasted my life...but like I said I feel better so
Peace