Lonliness

And I don't mean the kind where people are "depressed" and need someone to hold. This is the type that is deep, where it touches the soul; that is to say we have one. I don't believe that I've ever felt this horrid, outcast, and depressed before.
Well I have recently moved away from all that I've known in life: My friends, my home, my love, my school, and my sanity. Utah is in fact Mormon-filled HELL. I really don't have anything against mormons or what they stand for I just don't like how some act.
Anyways...I've never had to move from anywhere in my life. And being 15(almost 16) You'd think I'd be able to think of this as an adventure, a quest; something fun and new. But no I have to be immature thanks.
At first it was fine and dandy. When school came around I was just another new kid. Typical. But after things died down I really wasn't relating to anyone around me. I was quiet: everyone was loud. I was considerate: Most didn't really care. I actually cared about my education: I think you know the answer.

I've been feeling as if I've lost everything. There's no one to talk to. No one to just hang out with and talk about nothing. I've been sitting around the house vegetating and thinking about how horrible everything is. To feel the utter hopelessness, like nothing ever goes your way, that you should just give up. It's scary and horrid and I think no one should have to deal with that
I finally realized that just because I have no friends here doesn't mean that I don't have any. I feel like having a freak out. You know what I mean...one of those times where you have this sudden urge to just get up and throw stuff around and scream and cry. And the feelings so strong that you literally have to snap yourself out of it before it actually happens? Yeah I do believe that is one of the scariest things I've had to go through...and to think that it does happen to poeple all the time. *new perspectives baby*
Well I do feel the tight grip of my emotions on a day to day basis; scared of losing control and break down to the point of no return. But I have definitely learned true lonliness and depression....and what panic attacks feel like. I hope to never go back to that but nothing in life is guaranteed: except the calming blanket of death.